Re: I am feeling purposeless these days
The following text is from a private exchange. I am sharing it with permission, without sharing the personal details of my correspondent.
These days I often find my life to be purposeless. For instance the research that I do might have some societal impact but it’s not a lot compared to let’s say a doctor who actually helps people. Maybe I’ve just become dissatisfied with academia (even before I’ve really begun the journey).
Most research does not have a direct effect on people’s lives. It is too specialised and far withdrawn from its potential applications. There will be some experts who gain from it and who contribute back to the larger corpus of work and then there will be some entrepreneurs who will make some product out of all this. But, generally, research is not part of popular culture. Some folks will eventually notice, though most will not realise research is even there, let alone what it actually entails. If we are to offer an award for “most noticeable effect” we may pick the likes of bartenders, cooks, and waiters who help people everyday by giving them an immediate boost in their life while empowering them to socialise and/or relax. Or we will opt for the artists who make our lives a bit prettier. I am not trying to make a factual point here about who is the most impactful (and what would that even mean?), but to put things in perspective: the role of science is to do the hard, typically thankless, work that is barely understood in its details but which ultimately benefits humanity. Scientists are among the unsung heroes in society. Yes, everybody talks about science this and science that, but few actually care about the technicalities.
Taking it a step further, most contributions go unnoticed no matter their field of application. Do you know who built the house you live in? Who did the wiring and the plumbing? Who paved the roads? Who maintains the parks? What goes into the preparatory work so that the public house you have your meal/drink at is in an appropriate state? Who are the people behind those whom you may identify that do the domestic work? Can you name all the people whose cumulative labour resulted in the computer you are using and in the software you are running? And so on. Once we start thinking in those terms, we realise that whatever we think our achievements are, they are made possible by all those unsung heroes. If we recognise that we are small in this regard, we will blithely do our part like a honeybee tending to the wellness of the hive. Society at-large is an organism and we are but its constituents.
It is edifying when others notice your work, I know. You feel that there is hope and that what you are doing has value to the world. You may even get the impression that value is there only when others give you that unmistakable appreciative look or word of encouragement. Though keep in mind why you are even there doing what you set out to do. There has to be something coming from within; some calling that draws you to the things you care about. People cannot always show appreciation for your labour. It may be because they are unaware of it. Or they do not have the expertise to assess the finer points of your contributions. Or they are busy with their own affairs. And so on. Put differently, the absence of praise does not necessarily mean that your work is pointless. Does it matter at least to you? If yes, then keep going.
There may be an unspoken desire in the largely solitary adventures of a researcher, intellectual, or knowledge worker in genera: to find others who share the same passion for the subject matter; the curious ones, the most inquisitive, those who are not content with the assertion of certainty that begets complacency and who, instead, set out to explore what is out there. They are adventurers in a sense. Even if they never leave their land, they let their heart do the travelling. Why are they even doing it? What are they seeking? They do not know and is why they keep exploring. To find that elusive “what” and its underlying “why.” Those are the individuals who will likely have the quality of paying attention to the subtleties of the work each intellectual does and, perhaps, to the nuances of this intellectual’s character. Such is the wish, the longing for togetherness among minds that partake of the shared cosmic mind. It is nice to have such a hope. Though the quest to discover one’s peers may just as well be a way for each of us to leverage our gregarious nature in the service of our loner’s journey, set up an ideal of the perfect yet ever elusive partner in the given activity, and ultimately dedicate ourselves wholly to the task. Not because we have any guarantees of finding others. No! We may simply be inventing more reasons to keep doing what we want. Why? Because there is a wolf inside each of us that cannot be tamed. Its claws touch our heart. When the wolf is kept in a closed space for too long, it grows restless and becomes destructive. This we feel as uneasiness, lack of fulfillment, and depression, until we ultimately wither away. The wolf has to explore the open vistas and be on the prowl. Such is its nature. It is quiet and at peace once it gets what it needs.
We thus return to the inner source, to the very reason you are doing what you like. If that is missing, then the nice words of the rest of the world are irrelevant.
I see this with my publications, for example. I seldom get a substantive comment. Yet I keep doing what I do: it is fun! People may still appreciate my contributions but there are many reasons why they will not share their impressions. This fact does not bother me, nor is a factor in my future endeavours. It cannot be so because, fundamentally, everything I do is in the service of an inner need, even when the results of my labour can be useful to others (e.g. free software). If I do not feel passionately about my own projects, I will not bother. There is no urgency, no compelling reason to act. No amount of potential praise is enough to draw me in. Those are empty words, an ephemeral boost of confidence at best, which quickly fades away until it becomes insecurity that manifests as the need for validation. There has to be a power impulse independent of others. Otherwise, the inspiration, that spark which ignites the engine, is simply not there. This is also why I do not have a target audience per se and do not do videos that exploit the algorithms. What is the point of becoming the avatar of another’s whims? Why build your happiness on top of the shifting sands that are other peoples’ opinions? I tend to my wellness by allowing the wolf within to roam around the wilderness in pursuit of adventure. Whatever discoveries I make may help you or others, but I would not even be here were it not for those claws around my heart: I need to express myself, I have to let the wolf expend its energy else it will turn against me.