Re: loneliness and meaningful work
The following is an excerpt from a private exchange. I am sharing it with permission, without disclosing the personal details of my correspondent. The idea is to share thoughts that others may have as well. The quoted/indented parts are from my correspondent.
Living in isolation and having sincere moments with people
I am particularly interested in your perspective on the matter due to your seemingly isolated living conditions. I have a general craving for meaningful work, learning, and adventure, something that your path seems to provide. I do understand that I only see the snippets of your life that you share, and make assumptions about what is possible that may or may not be true. Regardless, this craving of mine results in a lifestyle of pursuing this work and adventure. And what I do not have is a propensity to socialize, and this is a concern to me. In my late teens and early twenties I experienced a great deal of loneliness (due to a break up). Because of this, and the pain it caused me, it is now something I constantly wrestle with. The combination of my preferred lifestyle of work and adventure, not having a strong desire to go to social events, and my fear of loneliness is a hard state to navigate. Do you have any perspective on the matter? Do you worry about the prospect of loneliness while building up a life in the mountains?
The way I understand loneliness, it is the feeling of alienation from those around you. It is felt most strongly when you are around people, because you are constantly reminded that you are not connected with them. You may be collocated and have some superficial things in common, but you otherwise do not feel you belong there. I was lonely in Brussels while I was working in the field of politics (perhaps the most people-oriented job is that of politicians and, by extension, their assistants).
I decided to relocate to the mountains and leave that chapter of my life behind me in large part as a response to loneliness. Things are more quiet in the mountains and I am physically alone much of the time (dogs notwithstanding), though I do not feel lonely. When I do meet people, I sense that we are on good terms and things are going well.
Part of this change is due to the kind of people I find here. In politics, you normally do not have any friends. Everything you share about yourself can and will be used against you. The way I experienced interpersonal affairs in that milieu is like you meet somebody who gives you a passionate kiss, which makes you feel great, only to then stab you in the back. It is an unsettling environment when you actually care about connecting with people at a personal level (you are connecting for political ends, which is different).
The people here are generally not caught up in this power dynamic. They are thus more genuine. When a neighbour would share some vegetables with me, for example, I knew they were authentic about their offer and I was eager to do something for them as well. I helped people train their dog or do some handy work around their house. It was always a nice experience. I continue operating along those lines.
Another part of this is my own transformation as a person. I changed my perspective about what I seek in others. I learnt that âmeaningfulâ is personal. For me, it covers a fairly small and highly specialised number of topics such as technology, politics, and philosophy. So I stopped expecting the average person to care about any of the things I am interested in. I have instead learnt to listen to what they are dealing with and keep an open mind about learning more along those lines. There is a whole world out there and I am eager to be surprised about matters that might eventually resonate with me.
Finding meaning in everyday affairs
Unfortunately, I also have a tendency to often âroll my eyesâ at conversation that seems un-thoughtful, unproductive and whiny. Those are perhaps not the best words to describe the feeling I have, but I cannot think of any other. If someone seems to just be rambling about whatâs on their mind without any filter of reflection, I check out. Or if I sense that they are asking a question, simply so that they can wait for you to finish and speak about themselves. I of course recognize that this is human nature, and I myself do the same probably more than I recognize. Is the fact that I am writing you this email not a direct result of that? Regardless, that seems to be how I feel in many social interactions.
You are describing me from when I was in my early 20s (now I am close to 37 years old). I used to only expect deep exchanges and had trouble keeping up with gossip or whatever other superficial issue. Until one day I reflected on my outlook to conclude that I was being self-centred, my expectations were misplaced, and my understanding of casual chatter was one-sided (i.e. âwrongâ).
Why should every conversation be about something profound? People talk about whatever they have on their mind for a number of reasons. One among them is to be casual around you, which is a way for them to gauge how comfortable about everyday stuff they can be in your midst. I used to focus on the means (like gossip) rather than on the function those were performing (socialising).
Rather than gossip being a boring thing that I personally had no interest in, I recognised how it was a way for people to build trust among themselves. I still had control over how I was contributing to the discussion, such as by reminding the person that they should not reach hasty conclusions. So I saw the positive side of my participation in such experiences and now I am perfectly happy to listen to gossip, even if I still do not care to initiate such an exchange myself.
The dominant point of conversation always seems to be whatever the latest trend on social media is, and as a result, whatever the dominating opinion on that matter is also directly derived from the opinion and bias of the trend. There seems to be an unnerving ease to look past the complexities of problems and just have an opinion that is great in theory, but avoids many of the practical considerations. I do recognize the irony of my frustrations here: becoming frustrated with others while they themselves are just frustrated with something else. I of course do not want to feel this way, it only separates me from social circles. But I do not want to download any social media. I do not want to just forgo discussion and understanding of individual opinions just for the sake of having fun with others. However, I often feel it is detrimental to my own mental health to not just âgive inâ to the societal norm.
Much will depend on the people involved, though consider how you can be the change you want to see. People will parrot whatever the trend is in part because those who, like you, are interested in the finer points do not share their perspective with patience and persistence. I was like that as well. You do not change the world by complaining about how it does not suit you. No. You do it, little by little, through your deeds. This was the single most important realisation for me, which fundamentally transformed me from a man of ideas to a man of actions.
I think the âideasâ part has greatly benefited as a result. My thoughts are now rooted in practicality. I do not get lost in thought experiments and their conundra, thus overthinking and complicating matters that are, in fact, simple.
When you operate along the lines of the doable, you also have a better sense of what is likely to happen and what you can achieve under the prevailing conditions (which makes you complain less to the point of not complaining at all). Will I ever make everyone around me have the same sensitivity to nuance that I do? Of course not and that is probably for the better. Nature makes us all different because we have highly diverse needs as a species. If everybody is a philosopher, for example, we will not have engineers, nurses, singers, and so on. It will be an incredibly harsh world.
Rather than refashion everyone in my imagine, I try to do my part as a member of society. To put it simply, someone will have to be the philosopher, so that others can be who they are. We all stand to gain something if we acknowledge how diverse we are and how this is the natural order. Instead of arguing with nature and judging its facts, superimposing our biases to its realities, we learn to understand phenomena without wishing for them to be something else. Only then can we free ourselves from false wants and the troubling thoughts they engender.
Speaking of âsocietal normalâ, it is worth mentioning I live [SOME WESTERN COUNTRY], and work as a software engineer at a medium sized company. What comes along with that is what feels like a lot of fluff work. Handling slack messages, recurring soul sucking meetings, a dizzing amount of work that should be done, but does not feel meaningful, and artificial timelines. There are of course benefits too. I work from home, and am comfortable financially. However, my days quickly become filled with a sense of overwhelm and frustration.
I have done a lot of manual labour, as well as the kind of administrivia you describe (politics is full of it). I cannot think of a job that has no âfluff workâ at all or, anyhow, moments that are not as rewarding as others. Even in construction you will have these artificially important events where some manager wants to do something for the sake of it in a manner that is arbitrary. I can even imagine how it would have been had I become a professional footballer (soccer player), where I would probably not enjoy the constant travelling to play games or how commodified the sport is, but I would still like football overall.
Again, there are many reasons why people behave the way they do. The key is to focus on the essentials and not get disturbed by whatever superficialities or necessary lower points. If you think those meetings are a waste of time, try to be less invested in them. Also challenge your bias against them by coming up with a concrete proposal of how the work could be organised without them. If you have a genuinely superior alternative, chances are your bosses will be interested to learn about it (if it earns them money, anyway). Similarly, if you think that some task you are doing has no meaning, remind yourself that any job is a way to earn an income and not to attain spiritual enlightenment. If you only care about âmeaningâ, you leave the industry and head to some monastery or whatnot.
I mentioned âactionâ earlier, so let me frame this point accordingly. Your choices will help you in your introspection. If you choose to work because you like the perks, then consider how this is something you care about despite the downsides. If, on the other hand, you cannot tolerate those downsides, then your next course of action must be to switch careers. Complaining about the downsides will not suffice. Would that improve your chances of finding meaning though? Perhaps, though you will likely realise that what you are looking for is not external: it comes from within. It has to do with your perspective and expectations.
Norms and expectations
I then recognize that as far as jobs go, I am very fortunate with mine. That realization just makes me feel worse about feeling bad. Then there is filling free time. It is easy to become stressed out if there is a feeling of making the most of that free time. I will begin to play a video game, or work on a programming side project, and have a hard time shaking the feeling that I should be doing something else. Something perhaps more social, coming back to that fear of loneliness. Yet I do not want to participate in these social activities. I want to make progress on something, and I want it to happen quickly so I can feel that reward of work. This urgency just results in seeking out new activities which offer novelty and the potential of meaning and the absence of feeling that I should be doing something else. All this to say, I am curious if these are thoughts you have battled with. Do you fear loneliness? Do you ever feel like you have to âfake itâ in order to fill your social nature? How do you handle the urge to complete meaningful things?
Here is the key part: the feeling that you âshouldâ be doing something else, which you imagine it to involve that which you fear about loneliness and lack of sociability. You are, in other words, feeling guilty.
Guilt can be a powerful impetus for change. If you truly believe that what you are doing is wrong, then you have to focus your energy on doing whatever it takes to not be guilty anymore. However, I get the impression that what you are experiencing is a mismatch between your lived and expected experiences. You pursue, for example, the programming side project while telling yourself than you should be doing something else instead. Is this, then, an expectation that you can act on or a belief you have internalised and wish it to be true but actually are not committed to? Try to take a step back and consider what I wrote about earlier. It may help you figure out what your next move will be.
To your final questions, no, I do not fear loneliness anymore because I did what was necessary to escape from that world. I switched careers and remade myself as a person. I now appreciate people the way they are. As for faking it, no, I do not feel the need to behave in some way that is not emanating from within. I am who I am and behave honestly. People like you when you are authentic. Anything else will make you look awkwardâbecause you are awkwardâwhich will unnerve those around you.
This challenge you are facing is your opportunity to broaden your horizons or, anyhow, to discover what you can do and what you actually care about. When I went through this phase I became more open-minded and also more humble in the immediate sense of discovering that nobody is special (maybe one is special for a given task or in a certain situation, but not holistically).
Loss and anxiety
This perspective on loneliness makes me re-consider what it is I actually have a fear for. As I mentioned, what I went through that I believe has caused this concern of loneliness was a break up. I remember very vividly during that break up the overwhelm I felt when thinking that about the massive shift my life path was now on. I also felt a great sense of loss.
This is understandable. A breakup or generally a loss leaves a hole in your heart. Especially if it involves a sense of betrayal, because then you feel distrust towards others.
Consider though how it is not fair to use broad generalisations against people. A loss of any sort is no reason to believe that everybody is the same. If you have ever loved and have received love (which you must have for you to even grow past the baby stage), you know it can happen again. It will never be exactly what you already lived through, because no moment can ever be relived. Be open to new experiences and the rest will follow.
I am also wondering how much of this anxiety I feel is due to societal expectations. There is constant pressure to âmake sure you have a good friend groupâ, yet I feel more negative emotions from the guilt of not having the most social life rather than the lack of social life itself hurting me. I do not think this is an excuse to hermit myself until I do feel that pain of no human interaction, but rather an interesting point of consideration.
Social expectations are indeed at the heart of it. Though consider how there is an internal dimension to them, namely, the fact that you have internalised the expectations and are now measuring your self/performance up to them. In this sense, âsocialâ expectations resolve to âpersonalâ aspirations.
By framing it this way, you can start to work on them by asking the simple question of âwhat happens if I fail to live up to their/my standard?â In other words, what will society/you do to you if you are not who they/you expect you to be? You will then find that in most cases the answer is ânothingâ or ânothing terribleâ, anyway.
This is especially true for cases such as the one we consider here: fear of loneliness. Of course, there are cases where some tyranny will force you to behave a certain way, such as some of the worldâs theocratic regimes that deny women basic rights. You are not in this position though. Try then to consider how bad can something realistically be in your case for not living up to the standard.
There will always be those who will judge you a certain way. But there is no escape from this reality. People talk and say things without knowing the details of the case. They pass judgement while being ignorant. You ultimately mind your business and express yourself the way you like, not because it pleases others but only due to the inner need it serves.
Social expectations may be social in origin, though we see how it ultimately is our decision whether we subordinate ourselves to them or not.
Discovering that meaning is not static
The statement âI learnt that âmeaningfulâ is personalâ can be a bit of a hard one to swallow. If a given person does not feel any meaning from within, then it implies that is up to them to find meaning. And if you are attempting to find meaning, it can easily result in a dark spiral. I suppose this is where religion is nice, in that a path toward meaning is layed out for you. Similarly to finding meaning though, you cannot force belief.
I do see how if properly internalized, this mind set can be invigorating though. You never know where you can derive meaning from which brings about a genuine sense of curiosity. Especially towards interaction with others as you mention.
If you are the inquisitive type, you will search for it yourself anyway. Religion might help you frame things a certain way, but it cannot undo your individuality and everything that comes with it. It is indeed hard to accept that âmy meaningâ is meaningless to others, because you care about it and would like to share it with people.
On the flip-side, because meaning comes from within, we know that we can find new sources for it or outlets for its expression. As we grow and learn more about the world, we discover our self better. If we cling on to a specific interpretation of meaning, it is like holding on to a distant memory hoping that it is recreated as a present experience. It is thus liberating to internalise the notion that meaning is not fixed.
The part of free will
However, while processing this I am making an argument to myself that it doesnât matter if I can identify that problem is my own selfishness. There is no free will, so I will I think and act accordingly in a given moment regardless. Free will, and whether it does or does not exist, is of course its own thread of discussion. I do not recall you discussing that any publications of yours, do you have any links to relevant work if so?
I have lots of scattered references to the theme of free will. I have been a free will sceptic myself, though I have recently changed my approach.
Science and philosophy have always had these tentative hypotheses such as âprobability probably does not existâ, âthere is no free willâ, âtime is not fundamentalâ, which, however, they cannot prove. My thinking is that all these magnitudes exist until proven otherwise. What such discussions do is put us in overthinking mode, for they are not actionable, distracting us from the here-and-now which is always practical, uncertain, and temporal.
The mind can reason about anything in isolation, such that it comes down to the atom (in the original sense of ânon-divisibleâ, not the misnomer of physics). In the process, it needs to reconcile how there is something and what is the milieu it subsists in. If all is traced back to some atom, then where are the laws of nature written? Does the atom encode them? Does each atom do this? Alternatively, do the laws of nature arise in the interplay of atoms? How did this interplay even get triggered in the absence of prior laws and what where the parameters of their initial cause?
Note that âGod did itâ does not answer the question, because you have now simply decided that God is the initial condition, which then continues the discussion of what is the state in which God exists, what even brought about God, and so on.
We can come up with more questions and clever answers but are ultimately tasked with living in the present of this world; a world of admixture which for our purposes always is; a world where I cannot avoid the impression that I am now choosing to write these words to you and where even if I argue otherwise I still feel I made that choice and you feel you were the intended recipient of it.
Accepting uncertainty
I am curious how you have gotten to the point of comfortably saying âMy thoughts are now rooted in practicalityâ? Having your thoughts rooted in practicality to me seems like a worthy goal to strive for, but is in itself impractical. This goes back to my mention of free will, and perhaps implies that one can will themselves to stop overthinking.
Or perhaps your perspective is that whether free will exists or not, a human mind can learn through repetition to plant these roots?
This is my way of saying that I am okay with not answering all the questions before I proceed. It goes back to your theme of fear. We are afraid of what we do not know and try to resolve it before we proceed. Though our temporal/physical reality is such that we cannot withdraw into a world of theory where we have the luxury to figure everything out before we make our next move.
To use a metaphor, I have accepted that there are dark corners around me, which could be a vector of attack by some predator. Even though I would like to explore them all before going to bed, I am too tired to do so, as my energy is limited. No matter how much I try to shed light to every corner, more of them are revealed, but my body can only stay awake for so long. I eventually fall asleep, admitting that uncertainty surrounds me and its resulting fear is an emotion I can only ever accept and live with.